This blog post was almost about to not happen. I’ve been freelancing a while and send clients to this website as my resume, but I just need a space to really be myself without dealing with consequences.
Truth is, I haven’t been myself for a while.
I’ve been extremely clingy to my phone, trying to find someone to talk to. I’ve been hiding my plate of food from my family so I don’t start arguments (I eat smaller portions than everyone else). And most importantly, I’ve been glued to my computer for so long and I don’t do much else. The beginning of my days start and end with my computer.
Of course, that’s not really new, because that’s what I do at college. But I didn’t have many friends there so I liked to go on my computer. I have lots of family, but I still chose my computer. I finally came to terms with myself. I’m lonely.
Without my boyfriend, I have ultimately no one to talk to. And I have a gazillion contacts to chose from but everyone is either boring or busy.
Ever since I changed up my eating habits, I can’t really confide in my sister as much as I used to anymore. My eating habits seem to make everyone unhappy. It’s actually the reason I’m typing this.
Woke up today and decided that I was going to make some nice whole wheat burritos for my family, even though they’re ungrateful jerks and just order food whenever they can.
Tortillas take a long time to cook. Lots of time and energy. And all we had was whole wheat flour and I know my family doesnt like healthy food.
My boyfriend actually warned me not to cook for them the day before because they had already been rude to me about cooking, but I did it anyways.
Anyways, while I was rolling out the dough, one of my brothers angrily comes in hungry as hell. Talking about “that’s why we always go out to eat, because you all (the girls) are awful and there ain’t any food.”
So I say, “go ahead and eat your junk, it’s not hurting me.”
“You’re the one that needs junk! Look at you, you’re as skinny as a toothpick. You’re killing yourself!”
And of course I had a few choice words to rebuttle, but it doesn’t even matter. He (15 yrs old btw) went to Food Depot with my older brother to go buy some “good” food. Tell me why I open the freezer hours later and see mainly hot dogs and pizzas.
Oh, and a whole bunch of ramen.
The truth is, I think my family is killing me faster than the junk they’re eating.
I’m perfectly fine with the way I eat and how I look. Sure I lost weight, but I’m still in the right range. I’m not underweight and I love my body. But when I’m constantly slammed with “you need to eat more x 2” it can get a little overwhelming. It’s like in order for me to be happy in my house, I capitulate to eating like them again and gain weight and break out again. No one understands me here.
No one understands me at Mercer either. I bring up my website and my youtube channel and it’s just not as interesting as an ugly-sweater competition or something else boring. I used to sit with strangers to start up a conversation, and it was like pulling teeth.
I’m just so different. And the only one as different as I am is my boyfriend. He understands me and supports me. But when he’s asleep or working, I have nothing. I have no one. And that, my friends, is unhealthy.
It’s funny because my brothers claim we don’t cook good food, yet all they bought is junk that doesn’t even need cooking. Ramen, pizza, really?
And then my 12 year old brother had the nerve to say “We bought eggs and bacon so I hope you girls will give us a good breakfast tomorrow.”
My feminist radar just broke. Look at the shattered glass on the screen.
I decided today would be my last day cooking against my will. From now on I cook when I’m hungry or am feeling generous. These cows need to learn how to cook for themselves since they can sure as heck do a better job than I can.
As far as my loneliness goes, I’ve yet to find a solution like this one. But hopefully, I’ll find something.